How to Win an Election (In Nigeria): Ten ways BY Aminu Yusuf Malam
In the wake of dire political aspirations, everyone’s goal is to be declared the winner of the election s/he is contesting in. Be it a party chairman’s seat, a ward councillor’s seat, a local government chairman’s seat or the juicy, top presidential seat. Every contestant wants to win. If you are one of them, this article will guide you on how to win that election/seat of your dream:
1.) Rigging. Sounds immoral, huh? Well, to be candid, you may need to rig before you win. You will exercise much power to ‘do as you like’, since you are not there because of anyone’s vote. It will work, like magic, especially if you are incumbent. There is a great power in rigging; you will not know this unless you try it. So, try rigging and you are on your way to the seat. You may change the system after you go ‘on’; that is a quality of a great (Nigerian) leader.
2.) Defection. Theoretically, defection earns you a handful of enemies from your erstwhile party. However, practically, many will begin to love you for it. Those who already love you honestly (even though you, at times, do not need that useless thing called honesty) shall follow you. They will agree that no party defines you, that you are the same person in a different party. Think about Tambuwal. How many supporters did he get after his defection? And how many enemies? Be your own judge, defect wisely.
3.) Money palaver. Give, give and give. For he who gives, shall get. Do not worry that people disturb you with boring financial requests, you will compensate yourself after you get to the power. It is like someone cannot access his ‘hidden’ money, and you can. If he comes to you, as someone who can ‘go there’, and asks for some money from you, will not you give him, knowing that you are going to sit comfortably on his wealth later on? Therefore, you shall give them when— or not— they ask. Do it with great expectation. Plan big. Invest big. Sow big. Reap big.
4.) Thuggery. I am sorry to mention this, but it is a reality. You need all those boys you called yan’ iska or yan’ tasha for your election preliminaries. It is now their time, to save you. Have you not heard that everything has its use/time? Now is theirs. And never lose sleep over how you treated them in the past. They will forget everything. Money will do the magic; it erases such mental stuffs the same — or better— way So Klin erases an oily stain. Give them money. Let them find something to smoke, to feel ‘high’ so that they can help you go high there through and within their highness. Never worry about their morality. After all, you are not responsible for their uncouth habits, in the first place; you found them in it. Fill out where the vacancy lies, let them carry on. It is for your own benefit.
5.) Exploit religion. Make sure you have ‘your’ people’s support. If you are a Muslim, make sure all the Muslims eligible for voting support you. Same applies to the Christians. Shame on he who cannot bring his people’s votes.
If you have not been religious, now is the time to start. For Muslims, try and do not miss a single congregational prayer and make sure to be in the front row in the mosque. After that, do not leave the mosque immediately. Get up and offer some few more voluntary raka’ats. Your tasbeeh (rosary) should always be in full view. Imperatively, attend every mosque as you can. There are sects, so let everyone feel you are theirs/his. By the election time, they will surprise you. As for the Christians, no church service should you miss. If there is any communion, do not hesitate to go. Let your flaunted Bible be an identity. Give tithes and donate a lot. By so doing, you are securing your people’s votes and trust. Remember: You shall repay them back with a new mosque, a new church, a trip to mecca or Jerusalem et cetera et cetera.
6.) Campaign agenda. This a very vital stage. You must be careful on how you execute it. Go out and meet people in the streets, markets, shops, schools, and so on. Socialize with them. That Limousine and Mercedes Benz you have bought must be replaced with a motorcycle, tricycle or a bicycle for the campaign. Eat with the masses, drink with them, wear their clothes and visit them very often. Essential it is to learn the basics of their languages and cultures.
Be aware of your usage of idioms and proverbs lest you fall into the same pit the media has put General Buhari deep inside. Words should be used with utmost caution. For instance, do not use the word God persistently when you are addressing the Muslims. Use the Arabic ‘Allah’ interchangeably if you feel pressured, or use it entirely. Same applies to other faith(s). Use their common words in your religious address. Nigerians know the value of God and revere Him more than you can imagine. Respect that. No one would vote for someone who does not venerate their God or religion.
If possible, write down your speech, give it to the experts to analyse and edit it; with the responses it may elicit in consideration. If you are not good in the language, hire professionals to do it. The important thing is to understand what you are saying and know the consequences. Also, you should use as much big words as you can. Nigerians love big words. There is a lot of wisdom in words. For your interest, they may agree that you are fit to rule based on your verbosity.
Give attention to your mode of dress during the campaigns. You are addressed the way you are dressed. Dress smartly. And know when to dance, sing, or shout in your rally. It is important.
7.) Stomach infrastructure. No one would go out to vote with an empty stomach, you know. The stomachs need to be filled, to be fed. Be the one to do that frequently. At the end, when they go to the polling station, they will find no reason for not voting you. To capture someone’s heart, please their belly pretty well. His/her stomach will lead you to his/her heart. Think about Ekiti. Stomach is everything!
Aminu Yusuf Malam (Albert) ©
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