How To Run A Winning Presidential Campaign Ayisha Osori
The presidential elections are only 146 days away. As only one person has not directly started campaigning for the 2015 presidency, it is important that aspiring contestants understudy the campaign strategies of those who are paving the way.
One: Say ‘I don’t give a damn’ on national television and follow up with action to show that you mean what you say. Whether it is not giving a damn about security, murdered boys and kidnapped girls or whether it is not giving a damn about the public’s confusion about the difference between corruption and mere stealing – take every opportunity to let the electorate know that you do not care what they think.
Two, do your best to prove how tuned in you are to global affairs by only paying attention to what the international media says. You can do this by completely ignoring what is going on around you and what people are rallying about until the story is picked up by the foreign media. Then you can jump all over the issue and start releasing press statements.
Three: Never mind that the election schedule released by the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) advises that political campaigns for the Presidency starts on November 16 2014 – you must have the liver or some other constitutional authority to flaunt this rule and allow thousands of groups campaign on your behalf.
Four, despite the presence of a killer disease like Ebola skulking around and about two major cities, steel yourself to criticism and allow thousands to rally across the country to insist on your candidature.
Five, put on the equivalent of triple layered eye patches over both your eyes as members of your cabinet join some of the rallies across the country calling for you to run. Ignore those who talk nonsense about a conflict of interest between their position as public servants in charge of ministries and departments and your political ambition. After all, they are political appointees and since they survived a cabinet reshuffle or recently replaced others, they must know what their key duties are between now and the elections.
Six, do not, even for a nano-second, consider the cost of all the campaigns being executed on your behalf. What does it matter where the money comes from for all the television adverts reported to be already at the 1B Naira mark? If people linked to oil bunkering and subsidized fuel importation want to pay for mega billboards, human mobilization, shoddily built podiums and the accompanying paraphernalia of campaigns, why should that concern you? Did you send them?
Seven: Rack up awards specially created for you such as being the winner of the ‘most inappropriate political hash tag of the year’ or be the unforgettable person who waited for a foreign seventeen year old’s counsel to see his own people.
Eight: cheerily create suspicion around the general elections e.g. with an order to INEC to award the contract for the printing of ballot papers to the Nigerian Security Printing and Minting Company (NSPMC). If the management of the NSPMC hadn’t been recently freshly minted and if this organization was not home to scandals such as N2 Billion growing legs and walking into the sunset without a trace, then maybe this order might have been seen as sensible and patriotic. Refuse to be distracted by questions about why the NSPMC was not allowed to print the ballot papers for Osun and Ekiti in order to test their preparedness.
Nine, be generous with photo-ops with those in the same sphere of influence with you. It looks good on Twitter and Facebook to have presidential candidates taking pictures with other powerful and important people even if they have been accused of being behind some of the worst atrocities your country has ever faced. After all, everyone is innocent until proven guilty and those who own $72Million Gulfstream jets are deemed more innocent than those without. The only time your picture should be photo shopped into pictures with people who are not powerful is when it is as part of a campaign ad showing how you care about the impoverished and wounded.
Finally, please make sure that this campaign strategy is only executed in a country of over 160 million people who have been so whipped by decades of military rule and brain washed by ethno religious sentiments that they cannot think straight. It is the only way this campaign will work and you can be assured peaceful victory.
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