For Sale: Nigeria
Product Name: Nigeria
Manufacturing date: October 1960
BB (Best Before): American Creators (2014); Nigerian Handlers (Never);
Religious realities (2020); Political realities (2015)
Warranty: 10 years (If inhabitants revolt within 10 years, a full refund will be made)
Market name:- Giant of Africa (PS: Be advised that its just a name, you will actually find a dwarf)
Sale Initiators: (i) Dr Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, GCFR, BNER, GCON (President);
(ii) Dr Patience Ebele Jonathan (First Lady);
(iii) Bishop Ayodele Joseph Oritsejafor (Special Adviser on Spiritual duties);
(iv) Melford Dokubo Goodhead Jr.(Aka Alhaji Mujahid Dokubo-Asari) {Special Adviser on evaluating, neutralizing and making war threats}
Middlemen: (i) Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi;
(ii) Dr Mrs Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala;
(iii) Dr Diezani Alison-Madueke
Product Description:- The Product is a country. With over 160 million gullible inhabitants, this product stands tall as one of the most populous countries in the world. Created in 1960 as a pet project of a British adventurer and named by his wife, this product has withstood so many misuse and is still in great shape.
Product components: (Over 160 million inhabitants, countless private jets, numerous religious houses, corpses, beautiful flowers, hungry faces and sick minds; smiling faces, angry hearts.
Inhabitants are descendants of the great slaves of those years, and lucky enough, the blood of servitude still flows in their veins. They can be used for anything. They will believe anything you tell them as long as you mention ‘God’ in it. So, if they try to cause problems, just tell them that God said they shouldn’t, and that will be the end.
If they complain that you are not paying them well and that they are poor, just tell them that God wants it that way and that God even said the poor will not depart from the land’ and that will be the end.
Organise regular revivals and sponsor some of them to Jerusalem and Mecca yearly and they’ll sing ‘ranka-dede’ for you and even beg you to match their heads. Once in a while, let crumbs drop from your mighty tables by distributing clippers, hair-dryers, ‘keke napep’, motorcycles to them and they will not only serve you, they will teach their children to love, adore and serve your children after you. They will always smile and hail you even after you use some of them as
target practice. Just make sure you provide their aged mothers with 5 tins of rice, 1 egg and N30 naira sachet tomato on Christmas eve and make sure the electricity suppliers give them light on that day (even if they’ve had no light for 5 months) to watch your generosity, and my o my, they will lick your boots and fight whoever dares speak against you.
Also, as you know, Knowledge they say is power. You see, these inhabitants of this product are one of the most brilliant worldwide, and if you let them know it, in no time at all, they’ll acquire enough knowledge and revolt. To keep them from acquiring that knowledge, keep as many of them from school as possible, and even if they do go to school, make resources and materials at their disposal outdated ones; give them Geography books that George Washington read in those days, let them have science books that Thomas Edison read in primary school, give them Economics books that Russel Davenport read in those days.
Make their teachers the least earners and taunt them until they lock down the schools. Teach them that all these Mandelas, Saro Wiwas, Fawehinmis, Aminu Kanos, Castros, Cabrals were all nutjobs; give them new heroes like the Tompolos, Asari-dokubos, Tinubus, El-rufais,
Melayes, Abatis, Al-Mustaphas.
Teach them that true pride lies in joining cult groups, in them being able to wield guns and kill one another off. When they try to face you or challenge your authority, tell them its the Yorubas that are trying to kill off Igbos and that the Hausas and Fulanis are disgusted by the Tiv’s culture. Tell them that the Christians hate the Muslims and only a war against them will pacify God and earn them a place in paradise and 70 wonderful virgins, and they’ll be too busy killing themselves to have time for you.
Carefully erode their culture by pumping enough cash into meaningless music and home movies devoid of lessons and societal values. Promote artists who teach youths to sag away their lives over artists who sing meaningful songs, and you’ll enjoy the product for long.
Finally, once in a while, when one of them climbs above all the obstacles you put before them and sees through your lies, kill him off to serve as deterrent to others. Keep them believing in reforms and keep recycling the past leaders for them. Continue to emphasise to them that an attempt to revolutionise the product will not succeed because of the cultural, tribal and religious diversities and you’ll enjoy the product for a very long long time.
Other terms and conditions apply!
Note:- Buyers will be treated on a first come, first serve basis.
Ogunjimi James Taiwo
November 2013.
Follow me on twitter: @hullerj;
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Email me: ogunjimijamestaiwo@gmail.com
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