Democtionary: Defining Our Democratic Lexicon By Muhammed Jimoh
Since the return to civilian rule in 1999, Nigerians have been treated with several words, phrases and sentences by all organs of our government. A humorous, but realistic, definition of the common terms in our everyday’s polity is presented here to keep soul and body together in a society where the politicians have totally kept the body and soul disintegrated.
Achievement: A list of things a government has achieved on paper
Budget: Money already spent by the government.
Cabal: The untouchable, highly corrupt men and women around the president.
Committee/Panel: A body constituted by government to produce another paper for its archive.
Consensus Candidate: Somebody impose on a party as a candidate.
Constituency Allowance: Money paid to legislators for doing nothing.
Contractor: A front use by government to loot state treasury.
Corruption: The primary and most important function of those who govern us.
Democracy Dividends: A self-praise word use by Nigerian politicians to euphemistically insult the masses.
Democratic Experiment: Use by Nigerian politician to cover up their incompetence and corruption.
Deputy Governor/Vice president: A person appointed to take order from a first lady.
Election: A ceremonious exercise to confirm an already selected candidate.
Election tribunals: A mean for the judges and lawyers to have their own constituency allowance.
Electoral Promises: A list of things a politician will never do.
Ex-: A prefix which shows that someone once looted the treasury.
Excess Crude Account: Oil money being saved for the president, the 36 state governors and the 774 local government chairmen.
Executives: Those thieves who are supposed to be executed but are managing our affairs. They are better known as ExecuThieves.
First Children: The prodigal and usually immoral children of a governor or the president.
First Lady: The actual deputy to a president or a governor.
Godfather: The overlord in a party who imposes candidate for a party in an (s)election
Godson: The beneficiary of godfather’s brigandage.
Governor Forum: A powerful cult of 36 oppressors who discuss self interest more than governance.
Governor: The chief oppressor of a state.
Judiciary: The arm of the government which the other arms rely on to empty our treasury, because its members get their shares too. It is better known as JudiSharing.
Legislator: A group of people who back the looting of the nation by law in the name of democracy. They are better known as LegisLooter.
Loyal deputy: A covertly ambitious deputy governor or vice president.
Look into: When government uses this phrasal verb for a situation, it is actually saying “we are doing nothing about the situation.”
Marginalization: A word use by individual or group to indicate that they have not had a share of the looting of the nation wealth.
Masses: The conquered people of Nigeria by the politicians.
Militant group: A criminal organization resulting from long years of government neglect of a vital section of the society-the youth.
Minister: Someone invited to come and chop
National Cake: The commonweal of the people control by a few charlatans.
Nascent democracy: A term use by our politicians to mean “leave us to our incompetence and plundering.”
Offshore-Onshore Dichotomy: A phrase many Nigerians do not know the meaning just as the 36 governors who used it to fight over resource allocation.
On top of the Situation: When this phrase is used by the Nigeria security outfit or government official, it actually means the maximum damage has been done.
Opposition Party: A party which aids the PDP to electoral victory.
Party Executives: Errand boys of the president or state governors.
PDP: A janu-faced corrupt cult whose level of misfortune to the Nigeria nation is unquantifiable. It is the biggest factory of the industry called politics.
Politician: A person you should never trust. Not everyone who stands for elections is a politician by the way.
Politics: The only money-spinning sector in Nigeria.
Poverty Alleviation Programme: A scheme to generate funds for government’s thugs.
Powerful Female Minister/Commissioner: This term suggests another relationship between the female minister/commissioner and the president/governor or the person who recommends her for appointment.
Power Generation Project: A scheme use by government to produce more darkness.
Presidential Spokesman: An ex-critic of government, usually a journalist, appointed by government to misinform the public.
Rigging: A word that describes Nigeria’s perfect election
Senators: A group of comedic, notorious old men.
Special Advisers or Assistant: A reward for a stupid and sycophantic loyalist to a governor or president.
State House Of Assemblies: A group of dunce who think they are appointees of a state governor.
Traditional Rulers: Someone who spend more time in government house than in the palace.
Youth Empowerment Program: A scheme use by government to recruit thugs.
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