A Mild Touch on Last Week’s News: Gov. Akpabio’s Endless Generosity and Other Top Stories

Hello dear friends, welcome to this week’s edition of Mild Touch. It’s been another interesting week and we have brought your drinkable suya and chewable water.

Shut up when I spend the money! Is it yours?

Godswill Akpabio is here again! What a generous man he is, Akwa Ibom people must be happy with their generous governor and the acts of charity he’s been engaging in on behalf of the state lately. You know when you give out to charity you are bound to reap in many folds. The 6 chairmen that got 1million each to feed in Mr Biggs must have been hardworkers who have eradicated poverty in their respective local governments. Congratulations to Mr Biggs for hitting it BIG! “I am giving all the state chairmen of the party N1 million each for Mr Biggs. Our members must not be hungry.”  In a bid to defend his generous spending he said the opposition parties were plotting to use the media against him and whatever he spent was not illegal. “Anything connected with the governor’s donation is captured within the law of the state. I’ve not gone outside the law” – Akpabio

Yes, we know Boko Haram

The Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) said authoritatively that 90% Northern politicians are Boko Haram. Now that’s some incredible feat! I must commend the CAN secret security for a job well done. Their intelligence unit have outclassed the Nigerian police and JTF by doing what the Police & JTF couldn’t do in the 6 years of the Boko Haram insurgency. I’ll thereby plead with them to assist the government by providing the names of these 90% politicians, this will help reduce the Boko Haram insurgency drastically! “90% of Northern politicians are Boko Haram” – CAN

“There is no story that is not true.”

Sadly we lost Pastor Obadare last week, the man who proved to the world that you don’t need to have eyes to be a man of vision. May his soul rest in peace. We also lost the master of African literature, Professor Chinua Achebe. The Nigerian government after chastising him for rejecting their dishonourable national honor have also voiced their pain on the news of his demise. Our nation is apt in denigrating heroes while alive & celebrating them when they are no more. May his soul also rest in peace.

Now this is not nice!

Few hours before the Nigerian Vs Kenya world cup qualifier match in Calabar, the Harambee stars of Kenya complained about the poor reception & accommodation the Nigerian football federation provided for them. Their citizens took to twitter to express their discontent with this shameful act of our NFF, but unfortunately for them, they took the right of expression too far and opened our wounds. They didn’t get the memo that only Nigerians are permitted to haul insults on their epileptic government. They started a war of word they couldn’t finish, it was a memorable banter that trended on twitter for 24hours. And on Saturday, the actual match was played, Kenya got a goal at 68 minutes and they must have thought they had conquered the Giants of Africa but a last minute strike by the Super Eagles left the Kenyans hanging and waiting for their first win over the Super Eagles.

I dey go o, NEPA dey threaten me too

The fear of Boko Haram is the beginning of asylum. The great eX inspector general of police Hafiz Ringim is believed to have seek asylum in the United Kingdom. I wonder how such a “brave” man that vowed to “crush” boko haram is now so afraid of them that he’s no longer planning to come back home. Well, will I blame the poor man? His deputy was killed & his office bombed. Goodluck to you Hafiz Ringim. “The sleepless nights Hafiz had because of Boko Haram shot up his blood pressure” – Close friends.

I dey wear your kind hat but I get sense pass you

Mallam Nuhu Ribadu has thrown a political punch on GEJ’s face, this time he’s siding with his godfather Jagaban himself to ring it in GEJ’s head that Boko Haram are not ghosts! He also believes that since GEJ is a facebook president, he should be aware that Boko Haram members are on facebook & dailies. On Alams, he believes the pardon is a tragic development & an unfair action against Nigerians. “Faceless people cannot be in your custody, ghosts cannot be people that are in the community, people who at a point wanted to dialogue” – Nuhu Ribadu.

Who tell you say I register one APC?

And the last but not the least. The Chairman of INEC has dispelled rumours that the body have registered a certain APC. I wonder where the pseudo ones came from So we shouldn’t lose sleep now, Jagaban and co can now relax and sip kunu, then apply after another 3 months…abi? “Firstly, the truth is that no political party wrote to notify us that it is planning to merge with some other political parties until the past five days” – JEGA

Have a lovely week readers. God bless!

I am @AAABORODE

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