A Mild Touch on Last Week’s News: Week 4: Alameiyeseigha’s Pardon and other stories
Welcome to this week’s edition of mild touch. Stand on your seats, drink your popcorn and sip some suya.
Just when you think you’ve heard enough, the government just play another interesting track from the distraction album! This time it is Chief Mrs Disguise Alams that got a Presidential pardon! I mean an ex convict was granted a pardon just like that! How many boreholes has he drilled since he was convicted? How many roads has he patched? I’m disappointed GEJ…he’s even yet to campaign for you and you’ve granted him a pardon! Well, the Toronto man also got a pardon under Baba. Now I think we need a committee to look into these pardons! Can Aregbesola start pardoning goats now please? Lawrence Anini should also get a posthumous presidential. We don’t give terrorists amnesty but we do give criminals pardons! U gerrit?
A night after a certain Argentine Lion lead the war against the great Italians in Spain. A congregation of priests handed the position of Pope to an Argentine! Did they bow to supremacy? Well, y’all wanted Maurice Iwu out right? OK, you made us lose the Pope seat! We would have had a black Pope if Maurice was the returning officer but youse spoilt the whole thing. Now we are fervently praying for this Pope to resign, so we can pardon Iwu & we’ll elect a black Pope. Simple as simple!
In an attempt to scuttle the moves of the merger parties, a proxy APC was set up. It is alleged that the PDP are behind it as the writings are on the all. PDP obviously don’t want to lose the next election, but I have a masterplan, if PDP can execute this, trust me they’ll win the next election. What is it ba? Its simple, get INEC to merge all parties and name them “Boko Haram”, place Boko Haram Vs PDP on the ballot box, if you don’t win the election, call me Abati! Mind you, there’s no curse as great as saying “May you be an Abati.”
Once upon a shoeless! Now the homeless, somebody dial 911 our President is homeless. I hereby call on all NGOs to organise a charity event to help Mr Homeless build his house. NO GEJ! You can’t win our hearts with this, NEVER! Is this not the same President that couldn’t declare his assets publicly? Now he’s struggling to build his house in his village. Couldn’t Alams in his infinite mercy build your house? After-all he’s your benefactor. What a remix for “I had no shoes”. But GEJ, have you thought about fasting & praying? It will build the house sooner than you expect. “We will all die but when we die, what will we be remembered for, what will we leave behind?” – GEJ
Thief Tafa Balogun’s people have also called on the FG to extend the generous hand to their son. Why not? If you ask me, he didn’t even steal as much as Alams and he’s yet to be granted a pardon. Dear GEJ, the president that pardons homosexuals and thieves, pardon Tafa Balogun too o. “Osun too deserves to enjoy the pardon. We trust that the President will extend the pardon to Balogun.” – Osun State Chairman of the defunct Justice Party, Mr. Adesoji Adeleke
Senator Ita Enang who told us authoritatively that 83% of the Nigerian oil blocs are owned by the North goofed! The report reaching me from the oga at the top Segun Adeniyi says 88% of the oil blocs are owned by multinational oil companies and not the North. So why was that lazy senator messing with numbers & statistics? Didn’t he know he shouldn’t speak or else his oga at the top approves of it? Or maybe the “%” was silent. “There should be equity and federal character in the allocation of oil blocks in this country. Eighty-three per cent of all present oil blocks are held by northerners” – Senator Enang
Its Don Akpabio again! In an attempt to redeem his name and after purchasing a bullet proof van to decorate his lush garage of automobiles & private jets. The great man has said contrary to reports that he was to sponsor 29 of Annie Macaulay’s family members to her wedding in Dubai, the state government will “only” be sponsoring 20 at a cost of N3,000,000! Wow! Akwa Ibom una love 2Face wella o. Dear 2Face, impregnate another lady from that terrain! I believe after acquiring a range of bullet proof vans, he’ll death proof his life as well. “That the State Governor as a token of support for the couple promised to fund the travelin expenses for ONLY TWENTY relatives of Mrs. Annie Idibia Macaulay to Dubai, where the couple have chosen to wed.” – Commissioner for information.
Monsieur Shem the “oga at the top” crooner has been suspended by the NSCDC for bringing disrepute to the organisation. It is believed that his oga at the top was categorically surprised by the abysmal performance his boy put up at the Channels studio. His wife also stormed the Channels studio to protest for the disgrace the video has brought upon their family. I hereby urge all Nigerians to forgive Mr Shem, after-all he has done what GEJ couldn’t do in 3 years within a week. He has put a smile across everyone’s face. On behalf of my oga at the top, I say;…wait! I can’t tell you something now, and my oga at the top will say another thing.
Have a lovely week readers. God bless!
I am @AAABORODE
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