A Mild Touch on Last Week’s News with Abdullahi Aborode: Week 1
Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first edition of; “A mild touch on last week and what we learnt”. To those of you that watched Koko crusade and gone in sixty seconds by Kim K, may your blessed hands find my bank account too. I bet Kanye called her over immediately he sighted her picture with 2 Face, who knows he may be responsible for the pregnancy?
It has been brought to my notice that our honorable first lady; Dame Faka Patience Jonathan was patient enough to die as a patient in a German hospital and then woke up after 7 days. WOW! Oluwalazarus Ogundame Ifajonathan is a legend! I also understand it was part of GEJ’s transformation agenda to resurrect the dead and then resurrect from cluelessness. I am happy for our national mother and on behalf of Nigerians I say we will vote GEJ if he includes this as part of his 2015 campaign. We love Miracles! “I actually died” – Dame Jonathan.
The first lady is a drama queen, she loves the media and the media loves her too. A total of N500 million naira was spent on the aso-rock thanksgiving because of her resurrection. Isn’t that a feat!? It was necessary, undergoing 9 surgeries in a month is not a small thing. My sister must be a first lady too you know?
The opposition parties, despite GEJ’s warning to back down from their smear campaign went ahead to mobilize some jobless women to protest against our darling first ladies plan to build a N4billion first lady mission house. Fashola must have bankrolled it because he received them and no one tear gassed them before and after the protest. Even Keyamo went with them to make noise as usual.
Our able Professor Wole Soyinka also wrote a love letter to Dame Jonathan on Valentine’s Day. She was his Val after he learnt that she and her husband were proposing to spend N4 billion naira for the mission house. An inside source in the aso rock told me he was hurt because INEC deregistered his political party. So he decided to snatch Dame with the love letter. He won her heart with his grammar as usual. “I must send a Valentine card for the first time in my life, then let me do so on a grand scale. I have therefore elected not to lend my affection to any one individual, but the entire bevy of First Ladies of African continent” – Wole Soyinka
Niger state Governor is the bomb! He has finally declared why he has to be the President of Nigeria. He doesn’t want a traitor to be our next president and so he should be the President. I also gathered his running mate will be River’s state Governor Chibuike Amaechi. Two bright brains I must say. He also stated his support for the new merger APC, like the party’s chairman he may also have plans to dribble them like Messi. Governor Aliyu didn’t say he had no shoes, he didn’t promise to build 36 universities in 36 states for you to vote him, no he didn’t promise you fresh air, he just wants to be president because PDP governors and GEJ had an agreement. Isn’t that interesting? “I want to be President because Goodluck Jonathan signed an agreement that he will only stay one term” – Babangida Aliyu
So Mali purposely surrendered to the Super Eagles to thrash them 4-1 then got home and stopped feeding our soldiers. I gathered our soldiers despite the fact that our FG has spent N7bn have been begging locals for cows and rice for survival. This is not fair on our men, they are our heroes, we need to invade Mali with full force and get our soldiers food!
Popular musician 9ice is payned (did I spell that right?) by the way the current crop of politicians are mismanaging the country. He is ready to step into politics as he told Sahara reporters. He’s also convinced that we will take him seriously as we take his music seriously. I can recall his song “Pete Pete” featuring ASA was a good one. Go Adigun! You have my vote in Ogbomoso. You know gongo aso when he gets to power. “Whoever wants to be President, let’s bring Sango, Ogun or Obatala for them to swear” – 9ice
The saddest news last week was the death of Goldie, the “Skibobo” crooner died on Valentine’s Day, may her soul rest in perfect peace.
The good news; our darling Super Eagles won the African cup of nations after 19 years without the trophy. Sunday Mba scored the winning goal and I am sure all the babes on his streets that had turned him down will now be feeling the boy! Stephen Keshi announced his resignation the following morning on metro fm, but for the intervention of the Minister for sports, the big boss re-signed. The Delta state governor is also planning to rename the Asaba stadium “Stephen Keshi’s stadium”. Various gifts have been splashed on the Super Eagles and I understand some of you are complaining, do you like it when it disappears as usual? Dangote also gave the team a huge amount of money and the second day increased the price of sugar. Dear Dangote, you didn’t give them the money, we did!
The governor of my state; Abia now gives cars to we virgins. I and a couple of friends have agreed to go back home and apply for our own cars. We (Twitter Association of Virgins) are very happy our governor is willing to recognize us and let Nigerians appreciate us and be like us. “I challenge our youths to jealously preserve their virginity until they get married as the benefits of chastity are far reaching” – Theodore Orji
Enjoy this from El Rufai’s; The Accidental Public Servant
“The truth really was that Obasanjo would not even in his wildest dreams think of supporting me to be President, largely because…” hey! You like awoof! Go and buy your own!
Catch you next week, I am @AAABORODE
Do not hesitate to leave your opinion in the comment section below.
To contact Abusidiqu.com for Article Submission and Advertisement or General inquiry, send a mail to email@example.com